How to handle conflicts

When was the last time someone in your life(work or personal) did something that affected you and you didn’t like or agree with it?

Whether it was last week, last month, last year, or an hour ago, it happens. And it happens to everyone. It’s just a part of life.

Next question —How did you handle it?

That answer is probably different for everyone because while we all experience conflicts in our lives, people often handle them differently. Some people might lash out and explode. Some might not say anything and just let it slide. Then, some people might not say anything but secretly hold a grudge until they feel they’ve gotten some sort of payback.

Personally, I’ve handled things in all 3 of those ways at different stages of my life. Long story short, none of them led to me having better relationships with the people around me in the end.

Lucky for me, I like to read and I came across a great book called “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey. There’s a section called “Think Win/Win”, and it outlined a solution to my problem of not handling conflicts well.

Lucky for you, the rest of this article will be explaining what “Think Win/Win” means so you don’t have to go read it in the book(although I would suggest reading the book to anybody. It’s super useful).

So here’s how I’ve used what’s in that section of the 7 habits book to handle conflicts, and how you can use it too next time someone does something you don’t like or agree with.

Lesson 1 - What does "win/win" mean?

To sum it up — in any relationship you have(you and your romantic partner, you and your job, you and your friends, you and your phone, etc), you’re either winning(feeling good and enjoying, or even loving it) or losing(feeling bad and not liking it). The same thing applies to the other side as well.

This doesn’t mean that one side has to lose for the other to win. Both sides can win. However, most relationships tend to be a mix of either one side winning while the other side loses, or both sides losing.

Here are the 4 different mixes of either winning or losing

• Win/win — both me and the other side or person are winning and benefitting. we can both gain from the situation and feel positive about it. always look for the win/win
• Lose/win — the other side or person is winning or benefitting, but it’s at my expense or I’m left with less, or a negative feeling. most represented by neglect of my needs for the approval or acceptance of someone else, or the outside opinion(nice guy). avoid this
• Win/lose — I’m winning or benefitting, but it’s at the expense of the other side or person, leaving them with less or a negative feeling. most represented by one side finding and building up evidence to prove their point right and the other side’s point wrong, beating or forcing the “wrong side” to submission or agreeing in the process(bully). avoid this too
• Lose/lose — neither side is winning or happy

Lesson 2 - What does a win/win solution look like? 

In most cases when there’s a conflict, a win/win solution looks like either

• both sides walking away and we go on with our lives.

This is best for if I’m dealing with a stranger or somebody I don’t know/don’t want to keep knowing.

But if I’m dealing with somebody I know or that I’m gonna have to keep being around or working with, the best option is usually...

• we find a solution to whatever the problem is that works for both sides and continue on with the relationship.

So to recap, when I’m in a conflict and I’m trying to end it, my job is to sell the other side on either…

• walking away so we can both go on with our lives, or…
• figuring out a solution that would work for the both of us

Lesson 3 - How to find a win/win solution next time you have a conflict

Ask yourself this set of questions in order and write your answers down on a piece of paper or notes page in your phone. You can do this by yourself, or go through it with the other person.

1. What mix of winning or losing are we at now(look at the 4 mixes of winning and losing from Lesson 1)? -
2. What actions or inactions(only mine) got me to where I am now? -
3. What do I want, or what is my desired result? -
4. What do they want, or what is their desired result? -
5. What’s the solution? -
6. When are we gonna do/use this? -
7. How are we gonna make sure we keep up with doing/using this? -

In my personal life, using that set of questions has helped me out a ton. The biggest help is that it gave me a productive way to let out my emotions when it comes to conflicts. It also helped me think through whatever the issue was and react in a more logical way rather than just reacting off of my emotions and how I felt at the time(probably upset).

That’s it!

Thanks for reading! If you found the info here useful and would like more, but in a customized way to help you reach your next business or personal goal, sign up for a free game plan at my site, goaldoctors.com. We’ll be happy to help! — from Nick